As is tradition in Italian families, Marol spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Marol has any questions. Mama tells Marol, “You have any a problem, you come and see Mama.”

Later, Marol’s husband unbuttons his shirt, and Marol jumps up, runs next door and cries, “Mama, Mama! He has hair all over his chest!”

Mama reassures Marol, “Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy.”

But when Marol’s husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, “Mama, Mama! He has a protrusion in his pants!”

Mama reassures her, “He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy.”

Finally, Marol’s husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Marol jumps up and runs back to her mother’s room, shouting, “Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!”

Her mother gets up and announces, “Stand back, Marol — this is a job for Mama!”

Tags: Jokes

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
Teacher: What is your problem?
Boy: I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and
I’m smarter than she is. I think I should be in the third-grade too.

The teacher took the boy to the principal’s office. While the Boy waited in
the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation
was.

The principal told her that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Boy: 9

Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Boy: 36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. “I think the boy can go to the third-grade”, said the
principal.

The teacher said she had some of her own questions to ask. The principal and
the boy agreed.

Teacher: What is it that a cow has four and I have only two?
Boy: (after a moment) Legs.

Teacher: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
Boy: Pockets.

Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid? Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: funny story, Jokes

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”
The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari”.

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: blonde, Jokes

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Tags: funny, Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Tags: High Tech, Jokes

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

Tags: fun, Jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”

Tags: Jokes, santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa.”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. ” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. ”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.” Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: funny story, Jokes, Santa Claus

What do you call a woman with a full English breakfast on her head?

Cafe!

Thomas Liversedge

A jelly baby goes into a STD clinic covered in liquorish and coconut.

The doctor says: “Good God! Whatever have you been doing?”

To which the jelly baby replies: “Allsorts!”

Christine Joy

Did you hear about the baked bean birthday cake?

It blew itself out

Goldmund

Why did Bono fall off the stage?

He got too close to the edge

Jimmy

Two oranges walk into a bar, one of them goes… YOUR ROUND!

Jamie

A fella walks into a restaurant with a salmon under his arm and asks “Excuse me, do you do fishcakes?”

“No sorry sir” says the waiter.

“Oh that’s a shame, it’s his birthday…”

Danny

Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Jokes

I WOKE up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying: “Please don’t bend.” I thought: “How am I going to pick it up then?”

THERE are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

WHAT do you call a pig with an itch? Pork scratching.

GUY walks into a pub and says: “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The barman replies: “Are you OK? You sound a bit spaced out.”

WHY couldn’t Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

TWENTY per cent of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80 per cent kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

I HAD a dog called Minton, who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.

I CALLED a shopping channel the other day. The girl who answered the phone asked if she could help. I said: “No ta, I’m just browsing.”

WHAT do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-i-no

A HORSE goes into a bar, and the bartender says: “Hey buddy, why the long face?”

MEN are like bank accounts — without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.

Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them.

WORRIED patient: “Is this a rare illness, doctor?” Doctor: “Not really. The graveyards are full of people who had it.”

I WENT to my GP last week and told him: “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, get me a plasma TV.”

TWO snowmen in a field. One says: “Can you smell carrots?”

A SEAL walks into a bar and the bartender asks: “What’s your pleasure?” The seal replies: “Anything but Canadian Club.”

A LIBRARIAN was shocked when a young girl, who looked no more than nine years old, tried to borrow a book called Advice For Young Mothers.

“Surely dear, you can’t be pregnant?”

“What are you on about? I just collect moths.”

A MAN is in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying: “Oooh, you are amazing.” Then the fruit machine shouts: “Rubbish, look at his hair!” The barman says: “I’m sorry, the nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine’s out of order.”

Q: What’s purple and goes up and down, up and down? A: A grape in a lift.

Q: What’s brown and sticky? A: A stick.

Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One. The rest are all true stories.

A CHIP walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “Hey, could I get a beer please?” The barman looks at him, shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food in here.”

WHAT do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I RANG up British Telecom and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” The operator said: “Not you again.”

WHAT’S red and invisible? No tomatoes.

ANY woman who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

I USED to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job. Every day I was tyred and exhausted.

WHAT’S a fat vicar who plays football? A roly-poly-holy-goalie.

I’VE used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

WHY didn’t the skeleton go to the party? It had no body to go with.

DO you love me? Of course. Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear. Lemon meringue.

DRINKING and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you try to change gear.

WHAT do you get if you cross a rottweiler and a hyena? I don’t know but I’ll join in if it laughs.

AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: “Why haven’t you looked for a job in six months?”He says: “I have a problem with my eyes — I can’t see myself working.”

WHAT do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.

A BAD football team is like an old bra — no cups and little support.

A JELLY baby goes into an STD clinic covered in liquorice and coconut. The doctor says: “Good God! Whatever have you been doing?” To which the jelly baby replies: “Allsorts!”

HEAR about the daft kamikaze pilot? He managed to fly 57 missions.

WHY did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

WHAT do you call a woman with a full English breakfast on her head? Caff!

WHAT lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck

WHY don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.

WHAT did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn. Read the rest of this entry »

Tags: Jokes