Tags: girls

Tags: fail

Tags: fantasy reality

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

Tags: fun

Tags: Nod32

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her husband’s funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached
Date: 16/01 2009
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I’ve just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Tags: mail ID, Wrong

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
3. Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
“DO YOU HEAR THAT?”
“What?”
“Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

Tags: How to tick people off

Tags: kids

Tags: Bon Appetit

$800

A man walks into the bedroom to find his wife packing her bags.
“Why are you packing & where are you going” he asks.
“I’m leaving you & going to Australia tommorrow. I’ve heard I can get $400 a time for what I do for you!”
The following day the wife walks into the bedroom to find her husband packing.
“What do you think you are doing?” she asks.
He replies “I’m packing & coming to Australia with you. I want to see how you will get on on $800 a year

_______

Whose baby

A married couple went to the hospital to have their
baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that
the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s
father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very
much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for
starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as the
labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to
go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent
pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then
checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby
with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her
husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the
porch.

Tags: $, 800