A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and
was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
“My God!” the trooper gasped. “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.
Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began.
I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.
So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!
I served to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ….”
“Uh, ma’am”, the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles.
That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”

Tags: accident

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello.”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000.”

MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later!I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Tags: Perfect Husband

A guy goes to his doctor and says,
“Doc, I have a problem.”

“My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday.”

“I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”

The doctor says, “You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.”

The man says, “You have a deal Doc.”

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, “What happened”?

The man answered, “Nobody showed up!”

Tags: viagra pills

Hear about Dracula’s Christmas party? It was a scream.

WHY did the girl take a mushroom to the party? He was a funghi.

DID you hear about the Christmas party with lots of fireworks, balloons and crackers? It went with a bang.

WHY couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party? He had no body to go with.

BARMAN: “You have a steering wheel in your trousers.” DRUNK: “I know — it’s driving me nuts.”

WHAT did Dracula say at the Christmas party? Fancy a bite?

WHY couldn’t the butterfly go to the Christmas ball? It was a moth ball.

WHAT do you call a drunk who gets a job at an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.

HOW do chickens dance at parties? Chick to chick.

WHAT do people sing at an Eskimo’s New Year party? Freeze a jolly good fellow.

WHY does no one go to a party on the moon? There’s no atmosphere.

HUSBAND: “I’m going to a party, get your coat on.” Wife: “Does that mean you’re taking me?” Husband: “No. I’m turning the heating off.”

WHAT is Dr Jekyll’s favourite party game? Hyde and seek.

Tags: Have a laugh

THIS IS A TRUE STORY. READ TO BELIEVE.

On September 20, 2006, a young girl received a Chain Message on her facebook wall from a friend. The message said that if she did not pass it on to 25 other friends, she would have bad luck for the next 10 years. It also said that her boyfriend would dump her, she would fail all of her classes, she would get bad karma, she would never have a good love life, and, worst of all, she would definitely be murdered in her bed by the Chain Message Killer that very night. Unfortunately, this poor girl, for an unknown reason, thought that she was above the Chain Message God, and not only did she never send the message on to her friends, she DELETED THE MESSAGE OFF HER WALL. Gasp. That same night, she slept in her bed. Nothing happened to her. The End.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. “Awww, look at the dead birdie,” she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, “Where? Where?”

Tags: blonde, joke

DOCTOR! Doctor! I keep thinking there are two of me. One at a time please.

DOCTOR, Doctor, I can’t stop my hands shaking. Do you drink a lot? Not really — I spill most of it!

DOCTOR, Doctor, I keep painting myself gold. Don’t worry it’s just a gilt complex.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a woodworm. That must be very boring for you.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I tend to flush a lot. Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I’m addicted to brake fluid. Nonsense, you can stop any time.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I’m the Invisible Man. Sorry, I can’t see you now.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I think I’m a pair of curtains. Oh, pull yourself together.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I can’t sleep at night. Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.

DOCTOR! Doctor! I think I’m an electric eel. How shocking.

DOCTOR! Doctor! Everyone thinks I’m a liar. I find that hard to believe.

DOCTOR! Doctor! People keep ignoring me. Next.

DOCTOR! Doctor! People treat me like a dog. Down boy.

Tags: Doctor

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there’s a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.
Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible!” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!” “Yeah”, said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.
By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says: “No, no, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Tags: High Tech, Jokes

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

Tags: fun, Jokes

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse’s brain instead of on his back.”

Tags: Jokes, santa