These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

What’d You Think?

Dave and his buddies were hanging out discussing an upcoming fishing
trip. Unfortunately he had to tell them that he couldn’t go this time
because his wife wouldn’t let him. After a lot of teasing and name
calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave’s buddies arrived at the lake to set up
camp, they were shocked to see Dave!!! He was already sitting at the
Campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and
camp fire glowing.

“How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?”

“I didn’t have to”, Dave replied. “Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn’t go fishing. Then the ol’lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said ‘Surprise’.” When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want’
“So I did it and here I am!”

Tags: Fishing Story

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to
get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.”

We call this arranged marriage.

I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly
and now have a hell lot of family problems.”

The American said, talking about love marriages… well…I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

“After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter Read the rest of this entry »

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more, “You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,” she retorted indignantly. “In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

£5 says you’re gonna read this again!

Tags: Rude Talk ?

Infront of a ” Mental Hospital ” a guy just got a flat tire and the four bolts of the same wheel broken to pieces . He got the spare tire out but just wondering how will he fix it without bolts .
a mental patient shouting to him
M.P : Hey Man , take a bolt from each wheel then u’ll have 3 on each of the wheels
Car owner : Ooooh . Tx ……
the car owner did it and he was very happy
Car owner : hey , that was a good thinking . why are u in a mental hospital then !!!!!
M.P : i’m not stupid , i’m just crazy

Let’s see if I understand how the world works lately…

If a man cuts off his finger while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke 3 packs a day for 40 years & die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame it on TV.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit & tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet & the passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer,
I want you to blame Bill Gates ….:lol:

Tags: Crazy World

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was
the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there. The boss asked him, ‘Have
you ever been a salesman before?’ Yes, I was a salesman in the country’ said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of him and said, ‘You can start tomorrow and I’ll come and see
you when we close up.’ The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5
o’clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, ‘How many sales did you
make today?’ ‘One,’ said the young salesman.
‘Only one?’ blurted the boss, ‘most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much
was the sale worth?’ ‘Three hundred thousand dollars,’ said the young man.
‘How did you manage that?’ asked the flabbergasted boss.
‘Well,’ said the salesman ‘this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a
medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a
medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said
his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.’ The boss took two steps back and asked in
astonishment, ‘You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?’ ‘No,’ answered
the salesman ‘He came in to buy a box of choclate for his fat wife and I said to him, ‘Your
weekend’s shot, you may as well go fishing.”

Tags: salesman

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligators.”

Tags: Pond

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdenieg. The
phaonemneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aodccrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dnsoe’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the hmuan mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azmanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuoht
slpeling was ipmorantt !

Tags: Human Mind

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”
“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.
“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?”

“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short…?”

Tags: Cheating, wife