Girl of the day
Pictures September 29th, 2008
The great escape (A smart dog).
Video September 29th, 2008
Daily pics
Pictures September 29th, 2008
Daily girls
Pictures September 29th, 2008
I see, you are not working
Pictures September 29th, 2008
I WOKE up this morning and there was a letter on the doormat saying: “Please don’t bend.” I thought: “How am I going to pick it up then?”
THERE are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
WHAT do you call a pig with an itch? Pork scratching.
GUY walks into a pub and says: “C a n I h a v e a p i n t p l e a s e ?” The barman replies: “Are you OK? You sound a bit spaced out.”
WHY couldn’t Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.
TWENTY per cent of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80 per cent kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
I HAD a dog called Minton, who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
I CALLED a shopping channel the other day. The girl who answered the phone asked if she could help. I said: “No ta, I’m just browsing.”
WHAT do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? El-if-i-no
A HORSE goes into a bar, and the bartender says: “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
MEN are like bank accounts — without a lot of money they don’t generate much interest.
Q. What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common? A. You always hear about them but never see them.
WORRIED patient: “Is this a rare illness, doctor?” Doctor: “Not really. The graveyards are full of people who had it.”
I WENT to my GP last week and told him: “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, get me a plasma TV.”
TWO snowmen in a field. One says: “Can you smell carrots?”
A SEAL walks into a bar and the bartender asks: “What’s your pleasure?” The seal replies: “Anything but Canadian Club.”
A LIBRARIAN was shocked when a young girl, who looked no more than nine years old, tried to borrow a book called Advice For Young Mothers.
“Surely dear, you can’t be pregnant?”
“What are you on about? I just collect moths.”
A MAN is in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying: “Oooh, you are amazing.” Then the fruit machine shouts: “Rubbish, look at his hair!” The barman says: “I’m sorry, the nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine’s out of order.”
Q: What’s purple and goes up and down, up and down? A: A grape in a lift.
Q: What’s brown and sticky? A: A stick.
Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: One. The rest are all true stories.
A CHIP walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “Hey, could I get a beer please?” The barman looks at him, shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food in here.”
WHAT do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
I RANG up British Telecom and said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” The operator said: “Not you again.”
WHAT’S red and invisible? No tomatoes.
ANY woman who thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
I USED to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job. Every day I was tyred and exhausted.
WHAT’S a fat vicar who plays football? A roly-poly-holy-goalie.
I’VE used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
WHY didn’t the skeleton go to the party? It had no body to go with.
DO you love me? Of course. Then whisper something soft and sweet in my ear. Lemon meringue.
DRINKING and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you try to change gear.
WHAT do you get if you cross a rottweiler and a hyena? I don’t know but I’ll join in if it laughs.
AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: “Why haven’t you looked for a job in six months?”He says: “I have a problem with my eyes — I can’t see myself working.”
WHAT do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea.
A BAD football team is like an old bra — no cups and little support.
A JELLY baby goes into an STD clinic covered in liquorice and coconut. The doctor says: “Good God! Whatever have you been doing?” To which the jelly baby replies: “Allsorts!”
HEAR about the daft kamikaze pilot? He managed to fly 57 missions.
WHY did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
WHAT do you call a woman with a full English breakfast on her head? Caff!
WHAT lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck
WHY don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.
WHAT did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Damn. Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: Jokes
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